Week 1 Recap

As I said in my email earlier today, Week 1 was bananas. Yes, bananas. I can't recall an opening week as shocking as this one. But, then again, I don't even remember who won the Super Bowl last year. Oh yeah, it was the Giants. So I'll lead off with them in my recap of the week, which is essentially just a compilation of thoughts, observations, and predictions both bold and not so bold.

1. What do you think the odds are of Plaxico Burress being able to walk after his 40th birthday? I'd say about as likely as Earl Campbell beating Michael Phelps in the 400 freestyle. (I had to write something about Michael Phelps while people still vaguely care about swimming. Who am I kidding — no one cares.)

2. Watching the Rams play football is about as entertaining as watching Bea Arthur and Ethel Kennedy play bridge. The only emotion I saw from anyone on the offense is when Steven Jackson had a 24-yard reception and got smoked by Sheldon Brown. Jackson flew about 15 feet through the air and his helmet popped off (if John Madden were calling the game, he would have said, "I sure hope his head's not in there"), but he jumped right back up and got the team a little bit fired up. Marc Bulger was promptly sacked on the next play, killing the momentum. And the defense was even worse. They gave up 100-yard games to three wide receivers who aren't even good enough to beat out Reggie Brown for a starting job. But hey, at least they won the coin toss.

3. Speaking of the Rams, here's a bold prediction: The Brady-less Patriots will win two fewer games than they did last season, for a 14-2 finish. The Rams will also win two fewer games than they did last year, for a 1-15 record.

4. I know the Patriots are hoping Matt Cassel is the next Tom Brady. I mean, this is very similar to how Brady got his start in New England, right? Mo Lewis knocks Bledsoe out of the game, Brady comes in and leads them to the Super Bowl. Matt Cassel can do that, right? Well, probably. Verne Troyer could get this team to the Super Bowl. But what about Daunte Culpepper? In his four seasons with Culpepper in Minnesota, Randy Moss averaged 1,283 yards and more than 12 touchdowns. But, then again, Moss is on pace for 1,856 yards and 16 touchdowns with Cassel under center.

5. Bold prediction: Brandon Marshall will be this year's Braylon Edwards — 1,400 yards and 14 touchdowns even after his suspension. Bolder prediction: Eddie Royal will have a more productive rookie season than golden boy Calvin Johnson did last season (48 catches for 756 yards and four touchdowns). Boldest prediction: Jay Cutler will have a better statistical season than Peyton Manning, but Manning will start in the Pro Bowl anyway because he's, ya know, Peyton Manning — and within the next three years Cutler will start in the Pro Bowl every year because he's, ya know, Jay Cutler.

6. I was going to write about how Shawne Merriman is an idiot for even trying to play this season and how he wouldn't make it through Week 3 without hurting himself so badly that he'd be out for the season. But he beat me to the punch.

7. Kyle Orton had the 14th-best quarterback rating in the NFL (83.4) this week. That is the highest he'll be ranked all season. He'll be benched for Rex Grossman by Week 6, who will in turn be benched for Orton by Week 10. Derek Anderson will be the starting quarterback for the Bears in 2009.

8. After he caught the game-winning touchdown pass against the Chargers, Panthers tight end Dante Rosario was named one of the UPS Players of the Game. Except what appeared on-screen was "Rosario Dawson" and not "Dante Rosario." That will not be the only time that happens this season.

9. The Seahawks' starting receivers are Courtney Taylor and Jordan Kent, who, between them, have seven catches for 57 yards and no touchdowns in their careers. Arizona Cardinals: NFC West champions by default.

10. Carson Palmer looks just like Pat Steines. Pat Steines picked the Eagles in our pool this week. Congratulations, Pat.

11. DeSean Jackson and Matt Forte will finish 1-2 in Offensive Rookie of the Year voting, but not necessarily in that order.

12. On the schedule page on espn.com, the Broncos home stadium is still referred to as Mile High Stadium, not Invesco Field. That makes me smile.

Update: My friend Brian Roundy just pointed out that the Seahawks cut Jordan Kent and added Logan Payne. Here's what he had to say: "They have 2 (two) healthy WRs who know the offense named Courtney Taylor and Logan Payne. Sounds like a hot chick and a pro wrestler."